Making Sense: An Ongoing Endeavor

So we're delving into existentialism in my AP English class.
That sentence in itself sounds really pretentious and kind of painful. Anyway,
it's a very individual based concept. At least, that's what I'm getting from it. That we as humans have freedom to create a point for existing, to create meaning for our own lives, and to develop our own natures independently of other people, independently of a sort of "herd mentality".

I really like it. I love learning about stuff like this and pondering the implications of these...philosophical viewpoints?

The problem arises when you try to practice or implement a philosophical viewpoint in everyday life.
People tend not to be very pleased with you. How does one practice an idealistic, self-molded and still developing ideology and maintain a level of comfort in life, ie, a job, classes, financial obligations, etc?
Is it possible to balance "success" and happiness, and simultaneously balance personal ideas of meaning and belief and faith with those standards that we technically "choose" to reach in order to advance, adapt, and survive among our competitive species?
If we eschew societal standards, eschew herd mentality (even among our more intelligible ranks aka the drive to achieve standards imposed outside of our own will constantly), eschew competing in order to seek self discovery and knowledge, to seek happiness and simplicity in a shallow world...what are the consequences? No job, very little income, a detach from the trends and currents that a herd mentality perpetuates in people (that also allows people to often identify with one another and connect, regardless of superficiality)...in essence, social failure.
I wish I had the time to just read and ponder different philosophies on my own. I wish I could pursue the so called "ideal" and maintain a level of sanity and individuality. I wish there was an existing balance between thought and happiness, success and individuality and integrity. I feel pulled in so many totally opposing directions, far too often. Principles of faith guide me one way, principles of reason sometimes another. Principles of total lack of reason (??? undefinable principles) I occur on an almost daily basis, and trying to make sense of them proves futile. Trying to use anti-logic, or not bothering with making sense so much as making personal sense of them, finding the truth via intuition versus listening to what people in higher power over you tell you to do, regardless of sense or nonsense. Trying to live by faith and essential marks of being a good person when even that becomes detrimental to your life and success or school or self satisfaction. The drive to adapt almost blindly to seek a superficial level of complacency and happiness/survival and success versus the uniquely human self consciousness, and human wish to seek true gratification and happiness for oneself.
My brain doesn't hurt, but my heart does. Or maybe both do. I just want to be happy. When every direction is telling you the opposite, and you are trying to strike a balance or find truth and happiness and safety, what do you do?
Maybe your brain hurts. I am not sure how coherent or confusing this post is, but I desperately needed to rant, and I think I may have finally found the words. I haven't even touched many concepts and repercussions that stem from this, but my trains of thought have become once again, hopelessly entangled. This is an issue not often voiced or described, but it has been one of my greatest plagues for the past several months. A feeling of helplessness, of being pulled in every direction...and that the feeling is so convoluted and overwhelming, and stemming from the opposing, seemingly uncompromising nature of so many things.. how does one find balance?
Gah. #vomitalloverblogger. Internal conflict to the max, coupled with external conflict, with both conflicts additionally conflicting with each other and making a huge mess.
If you read this and understand and have any good resources or advice, please talk to me. I need someone to talk to who comprehends this, someone to be a life illuminator, someone who isn't going to just preach at me or completely project their own ideas and beliefs on me, someone who won't indirectly try to manipulate me just because they have their own expectations for me, someone who won't project those expectations and manipulations on me.
However, that's likely impossible, unless God has a blogger haha, no one is that unbiased.
#morevomityay

I seem to have overlooked the concepts of love and of God-given purpose. I like Kierkegaard's combination of existentialism and Christianity, but in order to pursue even this balance, must I abandon my simultaneously occurring aspirations to succeed and travel the world and have a career and no college debt, must I pull a Ghandi?!? wah!