Making Sense: An Ongoing Endeavor

So we're delving into existentialism in my AP English class.
That sentence in itself sounds really pretentious and kind of painful. Anyway,
it's a very individual based concept. At least, that's what I'm getting from it. That we as humans have freedom to create a point for existing, to create meaning for our own lives, and to develop our own natures independently of other people, independently of a sort of "herd mentality".

I really like it. I love learning about stuff like this and pondering the implications of these...philosophical viewpoints?

The problem arises when you try to practice or implement a philosophical viewpoint in everyday life.
People tend not to be very pleased with you. How does one practice an idealistic, self-molded and still developing ideology and maintain a level of comfort in life, ie, a job, classes, financial obligations, etc?
Is it possible to balance "success" and happiness, and simultaneously balance personal ideas of meaning and belief and faith with those standards that we technically "choose" to reach in order to advance, adapt, and survive among our competitive species?
If we eschew societal standards, eschew herd mentality (even among our more intelligible ranks aka the drive to achieve standards imposed outside of our own will constantly), eschew competing in order to seek self discovery and knowledge, to seek happiness and simplicity in a shallow world...what are the consequences? No job, very little income, a detach from the trends and currents that a herd mentality perpetuates in people (that also allows people to often identify with one another and connect, regardless of superficiality)...in essence, social failure.
I wish I had the time to just read and ponder different philosophies on my own. I wish I could pursue the so called "ideal" and maintain a level of sanity and individuality. I wish there was an existing balance between thought and happiness, success and individuality and integrity. I feel pulled in so many totally opposing directions, far too often. Principles of faith guide me one way, principles of reason sometimes another. Principles of total lack of reason (??? undefinable principles) I occur on an almost daily basis, and trying to make sense of them proves futile. Trying to use anti-logic, or not bothering with making sense so much as making personal sense of them, finding the truth via intuition versus listening to what people in higher power over you tell you to do, regardless of sense or nonsense. Trying to live by faith and essential marks of being a good person when even that becomes detrimental to your life and success or school or self satisfaction. The drive to adapt almost blindly to seek a superficial level of complacency and happiness/survival and success versus the uniquely human self consciousness, and human wish to seek true gratification and happiness for oneself.
My brain doesn't hurt, but my heart does. Or maybe both do. I just want to be happy. When every direction is telling you the opposite, and you are trying to strike a balance or find truth and happiness and safety, what do you do?
Maybe your brain hurts. I am not sure how coherent or confusing this post is, but I desperately needed to rant, and I think I may have finally found the words. I haven't even touched many concepts and repercussions that stem from this, but my trains of thought have become once again, hopelessly entangled. This is an issue not often voiced or described, but it has been one of my greatest plagues for the past several months. A feeling of helplessness, of being pulled in every direction...and that the feeling is so convoluted and overwhelming, and stemming from the opposing, seemingly uncompromising nature of so many things.. how does one find balance?
Gah. #vomitalloverblogger. Internal conflict to the max, coupled with external conflict, with both conflicts additionally conflicting with each other and making a huge mess.
If you read this and understand and have any good resources or advice, please talk to me. I need someone to talk to who comprehends this, someone to be a life illuminator, someone who isn't going to just preach at me or completely project their own ideas and beliefs on me, someone who won't indirectly try to manipulate me just because they have their own expectations for me, someone who won't project those expectations and manipulations on me.
However, that's likely impossible, unless God has a blogger haha, no one is that unbiased.
#morevomityay

I seem to have overlooked the concepts of love and of God-given purpose. I like Kierkegaard's combination of existentialism and Christianity, but in order to pursue even this balance, must I abandon my simultaneously occurring aspirations to succeed and travel the world and have a career and no college debt, must I pull a Ghandi?!? wah!

Hurricane Drunk

Really fantastic opinion on the nature of causes below. Read it. Now.
http://meloukhia.net/2011/03/why_im_leaving_feminism.html

I really, really, desperately want it to storm, and storm BIG.

I used to be terrified of thunderstorms. They would wake me up in the night and scatter my dreams with overwhelming sound. My mind would scramble, my ears would ring out in the dark, and naturally I would cry. My parents probably weren't fond of the many times that I would crawl into their bed, between them, scared and convinced that they could protect me from the sound and storm.

Now, thunderstorms have changed. Or rather, I've changed. I can't put my finger on when it happened or why, but the way I see them certainly has changed Storms seem to hold so much power, such charged and wild allure. Billowing, dulled silver warheads ready to burst with liquid, with light, with sound: nature's most potent embodiment of passion. Maybe it's because I'm at that stereotypical age of turmoil and angst and passion and all of that. Or at least, I'm "supposed" to be. I'm not angsty or overzealous, or terribly passionate even. Just me. I won't argue that I'm completely wise or respectable (not in the least); I am young. La jeune vie, une jeune fille. A young, developing mind trying to find a point of balance. Maybe after a good storm, my world will turn green and life-filled, and the air will cool, and the barometer will level out again as the pressure equalizes... 

I know it sounds terribly cheesy, but I feel like I'm waiting for something. The stormclouds of my life are building, and I want them to explode with thunder and light and deliver me some rain already! I don't know what it is I'm waiting for, whether it's college life and everything changing, or if a really important and influential person is going to enter my life; maybe the reader will meet prince charming. God is writing a new, climactic chapter into my life. I can feel the pen on paper, I just need to be patient.

Right now it's pretty hot in my room. Hence why I want it to storm. (Was my storm story a metaphor for inner turmoil or just a simple wish for cooler air? ooooh ahhh...) 

I want the heat to dissipate in serene rain, I want clouds to gather and burst and relieve me of the sleepless nights of tossing on too-warm sheets and pillows. There's a breeze blowing through my window in the deepening blue light; I flip over my pillow and it's snow on sun kissed shoulders. For now at least. Here's to hoping it cools down enough to sleep comfortably and coolly tonight.
"I belong to the hurricane" ~ Florence Welch 

All Good Things Come...to Be.

Not to an end. I hate that saying. "All good things come to an end."
It doesn't describe the nature of good things right at all! Life is circular, cyclic; good things come to pass, bad things come to pass, and then good things come about again. Usually the "bad" things inadvertently lead us to something amazing, some epiphany or higher level of understanding and knowledge. Something to reflect on this Easter weekend.

ps: Every blog post I'm going to hunt down a thought provoking picture that may or may not have anything to do with my post. Just thought I'd give you fair warning.

pps: I don't consider myself a beautiful woman but this ^ definitely puts some perspective on the whole "young women striving for beauty and perfection" ideal present today.